Being Okay with not Being Okay

We seem to spend a lot of time here asking each other if we are okay. And a lot of the time, the answer is no. Or at least it should be. PST has hands down been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s not for the reasons most people think. Of course when I first arrived, I missed my family and friends as I mourned the life I left behind, and yes I still do, but those aren’t the things that get me down anymore. This is my life now, and I love a whole lot about it. I wake up in the morning excited for this adventure, ready to get to my community, and if I’m being honest, proud of myself for being up for the challenges. So the things that get me down most of the time are the things that are happening around us, not at home. They are the things that jeopardize my time here, what could affect my service or the service of those around me. I tried to write a normal blog post detailing Phase 3 but I couldn’t because it didn’t feel right to lie and paint everything as fine and dandy.

 

So here it is – I’m gonna be vulnerable and lay it out there. I am not okay. I think I can speak for a lot of our group when I say we are struggling, stressed, shaken, and unsure about what to do next. But that is okay. We don’t have to be okay. I don’t have to pretend that this is an incredible and rewarding experience 100% of the time, because it’s not. I am happy here, I have made friends in the past 3 months that will no doubt last me a lifetime, and they make up the strongest support system ever imaginable. So we will be alright, and it’s okay that we are not alright in this moment.

 

I am trying very hard to treat this blog as honestly as possible and not give you the rose colored view of my experience. But that’s scary to do, and if I get the courage to hit share and this post does see the light of day, I hope y’all understand why I had to do it. This is not to get sympathy, or encouragement, or really any kind of reaction, it was mostly for me. Because I know you all want to hear about my experiences, and yet right now, I have to be selfish and keep them to myself. There have been some great things to come of the past 3 weeks and I do want to share those soon. For today, I am going to go eat some chocolate, be with my friends, and probably have a good cry.

 

Love Always,

Alli

 

“I’m thirsty” – A Phase 2 Memoir

Hey Everyone!
Last week I returned to Namaacha after spending 2.5 weeks at my site for Phase 2 of training. After everything we had heard about Phase 2 I think we were all anxious to see our future homes for the next 2 years and get a taste of what life would be like while we were there. I’m not going to sugar coat it, it was a tough couple weeks. The days dragged without the rigorous training schedule we had gotten used to during Phase 1, and I spent a lot of time sitting in the shade of a mango tree pretending that I spoke any of the four languages my host family spoke around me (none of which were Portuguese). As mentally draining as that time was, it led to some pretty funny stories and I am beyond excited to get to site in a couple weeks and get my service started. Here are just a couple of the things that went through my head over those long days:
– Will I ever stop sweating?
– What language are they speaking now?
– I’m thirsty
– Are they laughing at me or with me? (both)
– Sure I’ll play this card game where I don’t know any of the rules
–  Dear lord I’m thirsty
– I’m still sweating
– One of these mangos is gonna fall out of this tree and kill me
– I haven’t left the house in 10 days…
– Are there chickens in the house?!?! (I found out later that yes, there were chickens inside the house)
– How is there constantly a baby crying?
– Can I die from sweating too much?
– I’m thirsty.
– Did I just get a sunburn in the time it took me to take a bucket bath?
As you can probably tell I did a lot of sweating and being thirsty. Being so far north in Moz means being much closer to the equator, and since I was also close to the coast I had a lovely combination of more heat and humidity. Unfortunately, while I was busy losing all water in my body through perspiration, I did not have the easiest time rehydrating because we had to leave our water filters in Namaacha. We were supposed to double treat our water by boiling it and then putting 2 drops of bleach per liter in it, but I wasn’t too keen on bleach water and spent all of Phase 2 craving cold, unbleached water.
In the time I wasn’t sitting in the shade of the mango tree I was spending time at my future school, learning about the secondary projects that my sitemate and current volunteer have started, and trying to integrate into my community. Both the PCV I am replacing, Coral, and my future sitemate Isabella, were wonderful tour guides of Macomia and really got me excited to be living there! My host family was also incredible, answering all of my questions and teaching me the northern way of doing everything. They even attempted to teach me how to carry water on my head which was a hilarious experience for all involved. My host sisters had their giant (at least 25 gallon) buckets and they gave me this baby bucket that didn’t even hold 10 gallons. While I was much more worried about the balancing of the water they were clearly worried about the weight. After one trip with my tiny little bucket I was told to rest and wasn’t allowed to try again for another week. The next week I was given the same bucket but without the lid so only about 75% of the water made it back to our house. That time I got to try again and they learned their lesson and only filled it 75% the second time. This is just one of the many examples I had during Phase 2 of how laughing at your new experiences was the best way to embrace how different everything is. And my host family certainly enjoyed it too!
I also spent a good deal of Phase 2 pretty sick which is common for trainees because our bodies are adjusting to different food and water all over again. While having a 100 degree fever on a 100 degree day was not my favorite Peace Corps experience so far, I have to say that things could have been a lot worse. In fact, a couple days after being sick things did get worse when I got bed bugs and spent the last 3 days at my site looking like I had chicken pox and being wildly itchy. Even so, my spirits were pretty high. In a text I wrote to my mom I think I put it best “During the past 2 weeks I have been uncomfortable in just about every way possible and while I didn’t love every minute of it, I liked a whole lot of it. If I can handle voiding my body of all nutrients for 5 days straight, I think I can handle 2 years of service!”
Most of us were itching (hehe cause bed bugs) to get back to Namaacha and be reunited with all of our friends, but now that we are here things feel a little weird. We had a tough week with a lot of stressful events and some big changes in the group, but this post is a little long so I will save those thoughts for my next blog. Hope you all have had lovely Novembers so far!!

Love Always,

Alli